"Love and law are the same, romantic in concept, but the actual practice can get you a yeast infection, but I actually liked my job."
Richard: "You look fabulous!" Ally: "I know, I just got fired for it."
Richard: "You look fabulous!" Ally: "I know, I just got fired for it." Richard: "Seriously, is working with Billy going to be a problem? Because if it is, well then I can't do anything about it, but you know I'd be happy to sympathize."
Richard: "Let me tell you something, I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law, the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry..yeah, we can do that."
Men are like gum anyway, after you chew they lose their flavor."
Richard: Love, you can't bank on it..it's an unsafe bridge..the only thing you can bring to the bank..money.
The real truth is that I probably don't want to be too happy or content, cuz then what? I actually like the quest, the search, that's the fun, the the more lost you are the more you have to look forward to, what do you know, I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.
Georgia: My policy is to just be truthful about these things. Ally: Oh, well, I have no such policy..that was a joke
I'm going to criminal court?! I'm afraid of criminals..maybe that will change since I'm working for one.
Richard: John..a second of your time..we started this firm with the same dream, did we not?
John: Money. Richard: In pursuit of that dream we agreed that I would be the shark, the hammer, the ass, and you would be the pillar of dignity, this was the deal..have I not been every bit the ass you envisioned?
John: And more.
Richard: It escapes me as to how soliciting hookers fits into your scheme, but instead of belaboring it I'd like to focus on the positive. The fact that when a person reveals a flaw he often does so by digging deeper unto himself. What happened to you can only build character. John you are a stronger man today than you were yesterday. I can even feel it just standing next to you. Just feel it. The strength! Well done!
It doesn't matter that I'm not in a relationship with anybody. Sometimes I feel like I'm being unfaithful to love itself.
It's not easy to meet women. Sure I can walk into a bar and buy a lady a drink and under the pretext of a perhaps budding realtionship seduce her into satisfying my sexual needs, but that goes against my grain to deceive another person no matter what the physical gratification. So I thought it more honest to solicit a prostitute.
Maybe it's because they say love is about learning to compromise, that's why they get themselves into compromising positions, they can call it research.
The first dance is critical. I never start off close. It gives me no place to go. A dance is basically foreplay. First there is the smile, then the laugh. The right kind of laugh can make a man feel interesting and funny. And that's what guys love most in women. Somebody who makes them feel engaging. I'm not listening to a word he says. And he's not hearing anything I'm say. He's got two questions. Does she like me and will my mother like her. This is the part where you just hold his eyes, look right at him, give him a sense of progress, I think I'll get closer now. Let him smell me little smile, little sniff..it's so easy.
(right before a jury's verdict is announced:) Ally: I can always tell when something big is about to happen. Whether it's going to be good or bad, I can always tell. I can always feel it coming on.
Client: What's it going to be?
Ally: That I can't tell.
I object to that your honor. I object to people who every time they do something scummy blame it on the environment.
All I ever wanted was to be rich, and to be successful and to have three kids and have a husband waiting at home to tickle my feet.
When I eat jell-o I feel better, don't ask me to reduce it to a science.
Ally: It's a what?
Elaine: A face bra Next to aging and sun exposure, jogging is one of the leading causes of wrinkles. The up and down motion breaks down the skin's elasticity. This holds the face in place.
Ally: Of course I knew he was married..I broke it off immediately after about..five months later
Billy: Did he have kids?
Ally: Of course not..only two..little ones.
Richard: A lot of his former students will be there. This will be like a class reunion, instead of a punch bowl, there's a coffin. But remember reunions are meant to allow the more successful graduates to inform the less successful that that's what they are: less than. You and I, we're more than. Especially me, me I have my own firm, I could possibly be the most. My point is life is about attitude. And tonight is a night for you to feel good about yourself.
Ally, one of the keys to life: the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through them. As time passes, you look back and say oh, that little adultery thing, oh that. You fast forward to then right now, and you're over it.
Customer: look people pick items up, they put them down, they pick them up again. it's part of shopping. Decding what to buy, whether to buy. I was still in the throes of deciding whether I wanted those when you just swooped in.
Ally: swooped in?!
Customer: look I don't want to be a trouble maker but these other pringles are the ridged one, and I have trouble with the ridges.
Ally: maam, after you put them down on the shelf, you picked up ruffles. Ruffles have ridges, now why would you enter the throes of considering ruffles if you have troubles with ridges.
Customer: what are you, a lawyer?
Ally: sir, did you, you saw her put these back, didn't you?
Customer: ah, isn't that rich, playing the sex card.
Ally: I beg your pardon!?
Customer: You think that he is automatically going to side with you because you look how you look and I look how I look. These are my pringles. (swipes pringles from ally) Did you see that?!
Clerk: I don't get involved in product disputes.
Ally: fine, fine, ok, you can have the pringles, but let's just be honest here, you decided not to buy them, but when you saw that I wanted them, you decided that you wanted them back.
Customer: you pissy little thing, pushing your little cart in your calvin klein outfit. You probably only choose those chips because I left them on the edge, and you won't have to pop a pore to reach them.
Ally: Why are you being so mean, is it because you look how you look?
Ally: I didn't mean for her to fall, I only meant for her to stumble.
Cop: you have been quite consistent about that one.
Board: do you recall making statements about miss mcbeal
Elaine: no I do not.
Board: You never talk about her?
Elaine: Of course I talk about her, I talk about her all the time. I also have allergies, but I would be at a loss to recall a specific sneeze.
Elaine: And let me say something else. She was only erratic at that funeral because she had an extramarital affair With the dead professor that she was eulogizing. And as for that emotional instability that everybody's talking about, that's only because she was suddenly thrust into a working relationship with a man that she still loves. Which isn't that absurd given that they were sweethearts since childhood where they would sniff each other's buttocks in the park. There is nothing wrong with her.
Elaine: I am so sorry. Those things I said, I really said to explain, to help you.
Ally: I should have known I was dead the moment you sided with me.
Ally: Do you think I'm nuts?
Judge Cone: No, but I'm not sure that you have two feet on the ground..
Ally: You mean, some people do?
Ally: how did I get to be such a mess so soon in my life? Billy: you've always been ahead of your time.
Elaine: tomorrow, I would just stand up and plead PMS.
Billy & Ally: OUT!
Elaine: Snappish stereo.
Elaine: Sometimes she just looks snappish.
Billy: Whatever the virtues of balance, it's just a pleasant form of insanity.
Elaine: I think my testimony swayed them
Richard: I agree, but we won anyway.
Harry: Do you think it is wrong for a person to marry another person not because she is the one, but because she is the only?
Ally: Harry, I can't tell you whether you should marry Angela…you know what. You know I just got this piano, sometimes I sing this song it's called goodnight my someone..and it's about..well, basically it's a love song about someone you never met but you know is out there. And I dunno we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up and one of them is that on our wedding day we walk down the aisle with someone we love. Somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess. And there are some promises, Harry, that I think we have to keep.
Angela: Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.
Ally: Sometimes the worst thing for someone's heart could be loneliness.
Elaine: I resent this side of the door.
John: The world is no longer a romantic place, some of it's people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.
Rabbi: I'm not married.
Ally: And you wonder why.
Rabbi: what?! Are you always such a bitchy little thing. Coming in here insulting the Torah, insulting me.
Ally: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy.
Rabbi: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Ally: Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy?
Elaine: He's here in person right now to confirm tonight's date.
Ally: He's here? With my face like this?
Elaine: I'd tell him it's a rorshach test for love.
Ally: That's the thing about me. I make all my clients forget about all their troubles by giving them bigger ones.
Ally: I have a thing about first impressions. I will forever see him as salad dressing face
John: Like it or not, you would be unhireable. That's not a real word, I use it anyway which should give you an idea of how severely it applies. You can make a point for womankind or you can do what is probably best in your own self-interests.
Georgia: I want to sue. If it means not working there, fine. I won't sit back and take this.
John: Splendid.
Rabbi: I understand. I do. But you came here as her agent acting within the scope of that agency therefore your actions run to her accountability.
Ally: Where do you come up with these jingles.
Rabbi: I must have hit the bitchy button.
Ally: What?! I demand to know what part of me you are laughing at.
Rabbi: Let me just say, I am going to assume that karen's hiring of you says something about her. You tell her she is welcome here, and I would be glad to do the ceremony.
Ally: Is this a trick, you being nice? (thinking to herself) I hate it when I don't know what I've done, especially if it's something good. I demand to know why you are pleased with me!
Rabbi: I have to say the thing I hate most about being a rabbi is how everyone tiptoes around me. Friends I grew up with suddenly became embarrassed to say a dirty word in front of me. I found it refreshing how you were so willing to be obnoxious. Thank you
. Ally: Oh, anytime.
Rabbi: Listen, would you like to come to the wedding as my date.
Ally: Oh god no. I mean, what would God think you showing up with a Methodist?
Rabbi: You could have just said no thank you.
Ally: You're right, ask me again.
(After Ally sits on Georgia in the same bathroom stall) Georgia: This will probably teach me to lock the door. (pause) Don't get up.
Ally: I would, but I'm lacking the words. I'm also lacking any feelings in my feet. This happens sometimes when I'm embarrassed.
Georgia: Is there any way I can help?
Ally: Nope, I apologize. It's good to see you. (Exits the stall, and Billy is there looking at her.) You might think there's an explanation, but you'd be wrong.
You know I had a great aunt who once said, "If you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you'd turn to stone." She was partially right.
Ally, glad you're here, new firm policy, listen up. Anybody who sues this firm, or me personally, we all drop whatever cases we are working on, and devote all our intellectual and creative efforts to ruining that person's life? Are we clear? I do not want to stop short with getting even, retribution, not strong enough: ruin. That's the goal. Irreversible, irreparable, irrational, ruin. New firm policy.
Richard: Here's the thing about them: Women as a rule hate pretty women, but women as a rule also sympathize with other women victims because they are women. Are you with me?
Billy: I'm doing my best.
Richard: It's like this: women want other women to be destroyed, but they don't want to be the actual destroyers themselves.